Revelations in the Forest Primeval!

Trudging through the forest, in a section of the woods beset with so many beautiful flowers that it appeared as though something large that vomited flowers had done just that, trailing a limping caterpillar that had just severed a few of its own limbs, Ed wondered exactly what Lucy had meant when she told him to have fun.

He hadn't even been able to kill any zombies.

Ed pouted as he skirted around a blob of black caterpillar blood. Ed swung this spiky tree branch petulantly, taking over-zealous swipes at any forest vegetation that had the nerve to appear chipper.

He decapitated a particularly smarmy looking daffodil with a swooping backhand. It exploded into a shower of well-meaning petals, and they fluttered to the ground around the travelers.

Alice was tired, lightly wounded, and had met some very nice flowers in her day.

She stopped in her tracks and turned to face Ed, fists clenched.

"Would you please cut that out!"

Ed was faux-shocked. His eyes went wide with mock apology.

"Whatever do you mean, Alice dear?"

He hefted the stick with both hands, took a deep swing, and sent an unassuming daisy sailing into the deep of the forest. He turned to Alice, eyebrows raised in sassy challenge.

Alice gritted her teeth and stalked over to Ed. She poked him in the chest, emphasizing every word.

"Stop. Hitting. The flowers."

The last poke sent Ed stumbling backwards a step. He regained his composure and put his maceballbat down with a plomp on a shy little iris. He lifted the bat up and plomped it down again and again, growing with intensity with each plomp, until the shy little iris was an outraged blue splotch on the forest floor.

"No. No. NO. NO. NO! Naaaa-!"

Alice had tackled him, and they began to roll around amongst the flowers, biting and scratching like offended house cats.

Ed pulled Alice's hair and she screeched in shocked indignation.

Alice quite humorously kneed Ed in the groin, which led to a hilarious look on Ed's face and one of smug satisfaction on Alice's.

At one point Ed's hands even managed to both accidentally end up on Alice's breasts, which led to much chasing and ducking of furious blows.

The caterpillar decided that he had had enough and bellowed as only a giant caterpillar can.

"eeeeeeeeeNOUGH!"

Some unseen birds took flight in the canopy.

Ed and Alice stopped mid-tussle and looked at the caterpillar, abashed.

The caterpillar continued.

"If you two are quite finished with this humorous interlude, I feel that we are far enough from the unfortunate zombies to strike camp. I find myself exhausted, both physically and in patience."

Ed and Alice both opened their mouths to speak, but the caterpillar cut them off sharply.

"Please shut up, the both of you. I am tired and hungry, and you are two of the most irritating people I have had the displeasure to trample flowers with. Please prepare the fire while I tend to my BLEEDING STUMPS."

A few birds in the canopy that had stuck around decided that now was a good time to take off.

Ed did not think it was possible to become more abashed than he already was, but somehow managed to find a stray bit of humility down at the bottom of his conscience, stuck between the cracks of his ego.

He scurried off to collect firewood while Alice began unpacking the cookware and medical supplies. No one said a word.

******************************************

Later, sitting around the fire, full from a meal of dried sausage and somewhat-edible flowers, Ed finally broke the silence.

"Where are we going?"

When he was relaxed, the caterpillar was very relaxed. The caterpillar blew out a few smoke rings.

"Whaaaaat do you meeeeean, 'Where are we gooooooing?'"

Ed continued.

"I meeeean, what is at the other end of this forest? A village? Some sort of bunker where Jesus and Batman draw up plans to fight the Corporation?"

Alice gasped and cupped her hand over Ed's mouth.

"Don't say that name!"

"What, Jesus?"

"No, the other one. The bad one,"

She whispered the next part, terrified.

"The super one."

Ed continued, clearly not impressed.

"Whatever. Once again, I am not going to ask for more information about this. Though it certainly seems interesting, I am going to postpone finding out about why you can't say the names of superheroes until a later time. All I really care about right now is the immediate future."

The caterpillar continued blowing smoke rings, make intricate patterns that, while beautiful, didn't seem to have any bearing on what he was saying. He produced a billowing carrot with arms and legs that appeared to dance.

Ed was clearly impressed.

"Is it doing the running man?"

The caterpillar nodded as the smoke-carrot boogied into the woods. He continued.

"Ed, we are going wherever you want us to. Any motivations that we had prior to meeting you have been overwhelmed by your power of Author. We still retain a degree of autonomy--"

Here the caterpillar reached out a leg to smack Ed in the back of the head.

"Ow!"

"--but we can take no action to leave you until you decide that it is time for us to go. Nor can we guide you anywhere that you are unaware of."

"Then why haven't you told me where we are going?"

"You haven't asked, you insufferable dullard."

"Since when did you become a British librarian?"

"Since you apparently find that the situation warrants it."

"Wait, so, if I don't ask you where we're going, then we're just going to keep wandering these woods!? I though you knew where you were going!"

The caterpillar sighed deeply, exhaling an exact smoke-replica of the Spirit of St. Louis, which puttered around for a bit before dissipating.

"We do know where we are going, but we can't get there until we know why you are going there."

Ed harrumphed. Then he paused. He crossed his arms. He harrumphed again.

"Can I at least know where we are going, even if I don't know why I need to go there?"

The caterpillar exhaled a cloud of quite normal blue-grey smoke which danced only in the way that smoke will dance on a still evening.

"We're going on to the next act, whatever that may mean to you. Please come to some sort of decision so we can get a decent meal and a shower."

The caterpillar stubbed his cigarette out on a kindly marigold.

"Unless you like this place. If I never see another stamen, it would be too soon."

The caterpillar rolled over onto his sleeping bag.

"And I eat leaves."

Soon giant caterpillar snores filled the campsite, which was actually more pleasant than you might expect.

Alice and Ed both stared at the campfire awhile before speaking.

"I'm sorry I broke all those flowers, Alice."

She stood up and looked at Ed from over the campfire.

"Go to hell, Ed."

She walked over to her bedroll and curled in angrily.

Ed stared at the fire a little longer before heading to his bedroll and going to sleep.

He cried himself softly to sleep, awash with self-pity and confusion.

He dreamed.