Ah, work!

It is possible that working full-time may be the thing that motivates me beyond my traditional "be self motivated for a week and then crash out" lifestyle. The nature of my job dictates that late in my shift I will be forced to have absolutely nothing to do. Case-in-point, I am blogging here.

I find that I get so bored that I can not describe it properly. This is not just at work, but in my day-to-day activities. A boredom that threatens to rend the fabric of time and space. I am stuck in a null state where I can no longer fall back on the immature distractions which kept me from actually considering my place in the world and my future in general. The problem is, I am still in the same circumstances and atmosphere as I had when I was substantially more self-destructive. To put it another way, I am living a life that I was only able to bear through the use of mind altering substances without the aid of those substances. It makes for a rather uncomfortable existence, one in which I have difficulty describing even to myself my difficulties. I do not have a mental language for the way that I feel, so I cannot share, and I cannot vent.

My current disconnection seems to only be a symptom of my mental immune system, a sort of temporal scab as I determine what it is I want out of life. As I write now, it seems like this process is a wonderful way of getting rid of that scab. I might be able to write instead of smoke weed, thank god. My mind is probably expanded enough, thank you.

If we are merely the sum of our actions, then right now I am maybe some poop and some blobs of data on the World of Warcraft server. Maybe wisps of cigarette smoke on the cold Nebraska wind (woo ooo). This state of affairs might be part of my problem with determining exactly who I am. I think that by applying myself to writing, as theraputic as this feels right now, I may be able to figure out what I gots goin on. This is, I must say, hell of a relief.

I think, with this blog as a willing vessel for my thoughts on myself and on writing and on the latest music and film releases, I may be able to turn "slog" into..."Blog!!!"

Realizing these things does not make the mundane chafe my ass any less.

I would sure like to do some travelling right now.